I’ve never had sex because I tend to laugh at all the wrong moments.
I’m 27 and still a virgin. I’ve had several boyfriends over the years but no relationship has lasted longer than a few weeks.
The minute a guy gets all serious and says something romantic, I giggle or make a sarcastic remark. Intimate moments on a sofa make my toes curl.
The minute a hand goes up my jumper or down my knickers, my immediate reaction is to slap it away again. This doesn’t tend to go down well.
The other week my latest ex-boyfriend took me away on a dirty weekend. To his credit he’d made a lot of effort with a nice hotel room, wine and roses.
He stood in front of me, dropped his pants and I collapsed with laughter. He looked so ridiculous I had tears pouring down my face. He was furious, but the more he tried to seduce me, the more I roared.
Eventually he threw his stuff in his bag and said: “I give up. You’re a freak.” Then he drove home leaving me to find my own way back by bus and train.
I can’t help myself. I find the whole idea of two naked bodies – and all sorts of dangly bits – coming together completely ludicrous. I don’t find an eager fella remotely sexy or attractive.
I think I want to have sex, but when the moment comes I bottle it. I’ve had loads of orgasms by myself – usually with a vibrator – so I’m no innocent.
More than one guy has told me there’s something wrong with me. If I’m completely honest, I’m terrified of ending up an unfulfilled, lonely old spinster.
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I find it interesting that you don’t mention your nerves at all.
Do you laugh because you’re nervous and embarrassed? Do you pull back because you’re disgusted, frightened or worried about losing control and letting go?
I think you’d benefit from speaking to a health professional about your reactions and experiences.
He or she might be able to dig deep – possibly into your childhood – to find out why you feel and act like this.
I get the impression you’re attempting to make light of your situation.
But don’t be too proud to reach out and admit things aren’t going well for you.
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Speak to your GP when it’s possible to do so with the view to seeking counselling.
It could be you’ve never met the right person or are not being completely honest with yourself about the true nature of your sexuality.
Maybe you’re not actually into guys at all?
That last encounter with your ex-boyfriend must have been horrible and he did not deserve to be laughed at.
It wasn’t right of you to humiliate him when he had tried so hard to please you.
An episode like that one can never be allowed to happen again.
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