PREPARATION is key so to gain the authentic experience, the day before go to your local butcher and pay him £20 for one beef burger and one jumbo sausage.
Then go to the off-licence or supermarket and see the look on their faces when you give them £5 for every can of lager or Guinness.
When you arrive back home put them in the oven before serving on the day in plastic cups which go as wobbly as clay on a potter’s wheel whenever they are touched by liquid.
Every morning of the Festival recreate the train journey to Cheltenham Spa by spending two hours standing or sitting on hard urine and beer-soaked floor.
Then stand outside for 30 minutes before calling a local taxi firm. When the driver arrives simply hand him £20 before returning inside.
With at least an hour to go before the first race, turn on your TV before returning outside where you can recreate those famous views of the course and the races by watching the telly through the curtains.
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Recreate the noise of the course by turning the TV commentary up to full volume and placing your surround sound speakers in a bowl of water.
To get the full effect, before each race pop back inside and chuck a £20 note on the fire.
Also get a friend or family member to lock themselves in the toilet, forcing you to wait for 30 minutes every time you want to pee.
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During the day do not forget to cover your shoes and the bottom of your trousers in mud and urine.
If you want to go the whole hog, why not hire a local football team to wee on you from an upstairs window.
After the last race walk miles to your local High Street, and spend the night traipsing up and down past all of the closed pubs, bars and restaurants.
It will be just like being in the centre of Cheltenham where you cannot get a table or a place at the bar for love nor money.
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Remember to gamble responsibly
A responsible gambler is someone who:
- Establishes time and monetary limits before playing
- Only gambles with money they can afford to lose
- Never chase their losses
- Doesn’t gamble if they’re upset, angry or depressed
- GamCare – www.gamcare.org.uk
- Gamble Aware – www.begambleaware.org
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