The wackiest items from the 2019 Goop gift guide

We love a gift guide – particularly when it comes to buying for nans or dads or other impossible-to-buy-for family and friends.

Plus, it’s always handy to deviate from the classic book/bath bomb/book buying schedule that can easily become a habit.

When it comes to Goop’s annual gift guides, however, things get even crazier.

Fair play to the Goop team, they do acknowledge that many of the items in their guide are ridiculous – even devoting a full section to the fact.

But, heading through the lists of (as expected) supplements and facial oils, there are some extra-wild things to behold. We’ve compiled them here.

£54 salt

While this is a beautiful salt I’m sure, that is quite a hefty price tag.

Allegedly this one ‘adds mouth-watering salinity and texture’. That’ll be salt, then.

For £54, I could get 54 tubs of Himalayan sea salt from Poundland, so I’d really be banking a lot on the salinity of this stuff.

£80 crystal water bottle

A lot more people than ever before are using crystals for healing and general wellbeing.

That has extended to trying to infuse these crystals’ energy into everything from cleaning products to the very water we drink.

This smoky quartz one is apparently ideal for warding off bad vibes and cultivating serenity. Thank goodness really, I failed my last vibe check and didn’t feel very serene about it.

£65 massage bar

Damn Goop. Back at it again with the crystals.

This time, the shiny stones are set inside something called an ‘atelier bar’, which is a fancy name for a massage oil in solid form.

The ones without the crystals are £35, so if you’re not too bothered about the adult Kinder Egg element to this, you should opt for the cheaper version.

£33 toilet paper

How would you feel if someone handed you 24 rolls of toilet paper for Christmas?

Would you feel affronted that you spent hours in a hellish shopping mall looking for the perfect piece of jewellery for them, while all they could muster for you was knowing that you have human bodily functions? Or happy that they know you care about the planet and your A E S T H E T I C, and as a result want the best in recyclable bamboo loo roll?

Hopefully it’s the latter, because they’ve just spent £33 on those rolls.

£220 toilet footrest

Sadly not for sale in the UK, this addition to the gift guide does prove that team Goop have an obsession with what’s going on in your bathrooms.

Toilet stools are actually a good option for most people, as they allow you to sit in a better position to keep things flowing naturally.

Is £220 too high a price to pay for good digestive health? Who’s to say.

£250 ‘luxury’ fire extinguisher

Not sure about you, but the first thing we think of when we’re extinguishing fire is ‘is this chic enough?’

If the answer is no, we simply give up to avoid losing cool points.

This one is made of brass and costs hundreds of pounds, so you’ll never have that problem ever again.

£16,000 caviar

At £500 per serving, there’s no way anyone can accuse you of being a bad host if you serve up this hybrid caviar on Christmas day.

The Kaluga-Huso blend helps people get around the pesky laws that mean Beluga caviar is banned in the US, with the taste and texture they need but no annoying conversations with customs.

It lasts four weeks refrigerated, so you’ll have to stick some in your turkey curry or bubble and squeak on boxing day to get your money’s worth.

£130 automatic joint roller

Now weed is legal in many parts of the US, rich people have gone mad for the stuff, and it’s now pretty aspirational to be a stoner.

Not content with rolling joints themselves – or opting for those ropey rolling machines you get at the market – they’re spending a whole lot on paraphernalia to get the perfect blunt.

Be wary of these people, for they’ll undoubtedly give you a long spiel about sativa and indica that will make you wonder how something as seemingly cool as weed could become as boring as a science lesson.

£24 carry-on cocktail kit

Goopers love to party, and what’s more white-girl-wasted than a kit that helps you have margaritas on a plane?

Crack out the rimming salt and mini bar spoon on your Ryanair flight to Alicante and watch your new-found mates pour in from the seats nearby.

It beats a flat beer that costs £20 anyway.

£28 floral rolling papers

Nothing proves my point that rich people love weed now more than gentrified Rizlas.

A message on the site reads: ‘This product is intended for use with legal smoking herbs only. The buyer is solely responsible for knowing and duly abiding by their local laws in purchasing and using this product’.

No worries Goopy gang, the people that buy these papers will have purchased a batch of oregano from a guy on the street, so the only legal concerns are whether they can take their ‘dealer’ to small claims court for false advertising.

£1,480 marble four-in-a-row game

Is it any wonder that there’s a great divide in the western world when some people are waiting for Black Friday so they can buy their kid some presents, while others splash out thousands on something that often comes free in crackers.

We jest, of course, and this is actually a stunning addition to any home, but feels extremely gauche nonetheless.

Perhaps the worst part is that it’s now sold out, meaning there are multiple people in the world who thought this was a valuable use of their cash.

Anyway; Merry Christmas, and don’t forget your matcha powder shots and vagina steaming before the big day.

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